When most people hear the word “peacebuilder,” they picture someone at a high-stakes table, negotiating a ceasefire under the flag of the United Nations. They imagine a world of formal treaties and international disputes that feel very distant from their own lives. For a long time, that was the dominant image, even for me. But my most profound lessons about building peace didn’t come from a textbook on international relations; they came from watching two business partners argue over a logo, or sitting with a family unable to speak about a shared loss.
They came from recognizing that the massive, global conflicts we see on the news are simply the macro-version of the same fractures that appear at our own dinner tables and in our boardrooms. We have been taught to think of peace as a destination—a far-off, idyllic state of being. But that’s not what peace is. Peace is not a noun. It’s a verb. It is the active, daily, and often difficult work of building connection in the face of our differences. And it is one of the most important skills we can cultivate in our everyday lives.
From Negative Peace to Positive Peace
In the field of conflict transformation, we make a crucial distinction between two types of peace. Negative peace is simply the absence of open, violent conflict. It’s the ceasefire. It’s the tense silence in a meeting after a disagreement has been shut down. It’s a family avoiding a difficult topic at Thanksgiving. On the surface, things are “peaceful,” but underneath, the resentment, misunderstanding, and harm are still simmering. Negative peace is fragile and unsustainable because it doesn’t address the root causes of the conflict.
Positive peace, on the other hand, is far more dynamic and robust. It is the presence of the structures, systems, and attitudes that create a just and equitable environment.
“Positive peace is filled with positive content such as restoration of relationships, the creation of social systems that serve the needs of the whole population and the constructive resolution of conflict.” – Johan Galtung
In our daily lives, positive peace is the presence of psychological safety on a team, allowing for vulnerability and risk-taking. It’s a family that has fair processes for making decisions. It’s a workplace culture where people can voice dissent respectfully and be heard without fear of retribution. It is the feeling of trust, mutual respect, and belonging.
Thinking you can have a peaceful company or a peaceful family just by avoiding arguments is like thinking you can have a healthy garden just by not having weeds. The absence of weeds is a start, but a truly healthy garden requires positive cultivation: good soil, sunlight, water, and care. Peacebuilding is the daily work of tending that garden.
Conflict is the Raw Material
The most common misunderstanding I encounter is that a peaceful life is a life without conflict. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Conflict is a natural, normal, and even necessary part of the human experience. Any time you have two or more people with different needs, values, or perspectives, you will have conflict. The goal is not to eliminate it, but to learn how to engage with it constructively.
Conflict is the raw material from which we can build deeper understanding and stronger relationships. Every disagreement is an opportunity. It’s a flashing light that signals an unmet need or a misaligned value. When I was mediating a dispute between two co-founders of a branding agency, they had been fighting for weeks over the color of their new logo. After hours of tense conversation, it became clear the fight had nothing to do with the color. It was about one partner feeling their creative vision had been consistently ignored and the other feeling their financial prudence was unappreciated. The logo was just the battlefield. The real conflict was about respect and acknowledgment. By addressing the real issue, they not only solved the logo problem, but they also rebuilt the foundation of their partnership, making it stronger than before. They used the conflict as building material.
The Tools of an Everyday Peacebuilder
You do not need a master’s degree in conflict transformation to be a peacebuilder. You just need intention and a few core skills. These are practices you can begin today:
- Cultivate Curiosity Instead of Judgment: When faced with a differing opinion, our first instinct is often to judge or defend. A peacebuilder’s first instinct is curiosity. Ask questions. “Can you tell me more about why you see it that way?” “What experiences have led you to that conclusion?” Curiosity creates connection; judgment creates distance.
- Listen to Understand, Not to Reply: So often in conversations, we are simply waiting for our turn to talk. We listen to find flaws in the other person’s argument so we can craft our rebuttal. Listening to understand is a different practice entirely. It’s about setting aside your own agenda and trying to truly inhabit the other person’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with it. It is the most powerful tool for de-escalation that exists.
- Acknowledge Impact Over Arguing Intent: This is crucial. When someone tells you that your words or actions hurt them, our instinct is to say, “I didn’t mean to!” We defend our intent. But for the person who was harmed, our intent is irrelevant; the impact is real. A peacebuilder learns to say, “I understand that what I said had a negative impact on you, and for that, I am sorry.” Acknowledging the impact validates the other person’s experience and opens the door for genuine repair.
“We are not only settlers of disputes. We are healers of wounds… and weavers of relationships.” – John Paul Lederach
This beautiful quote captures the true role of an everyday peacebuilder. We are not just referees called in when things go wrong. We are weavers. Every time you choose curiosity over judgment, listen to understand, or acknowledge someone’s pain, you are pulling on a thread, mending a tear and strengthening the social fabric in your own corner of the world.
The peace and stability of our global community do not rest solely in the hands of diplomats and heads of state. They are built from the ground up. They are forged in the courage of our daily interactions, in the patience of our listening, and in our willingness to see the humanity in those with whom we disagree. This is not a grand or impossible task. It is a simple, profound, and daily choice. It is the choice to be a peacebuilder, right where you are.